LOVELY HEART-ACHE

PEACE BE UPON YOU

love-hate relationship you had with your sisters and siblings somehow brings you closer to each other. I remember growing up with three other sisters and we hated each other every single day. when we wanted to play 'masak-masak' or 'doktor-doktor', we will reconcile and focus on our character. once the play is over, we will always find our way back to be enemies and started a war. lets face it that is what most siblings in this world do right? right? at the end of the day, i love my sisters more than i love kari (curry). 

now, I have reach the age where every single thing is a freaking serious matter, I supposed that my sisters know of the fact that we are no longer little a girl. if we play 'masak-masak', real fire and real food are involved. we rarely talk about our feelings because we spent most of our time fighting over small issues and laugh upon it later. well, at least there is an improvement on how we handle our arguments. one day after another, we suddenly turn into adults and our talks have become more about how can we create a better future.

without us realizing it, my sister and I have the exact same mission and vision of how we want our life to be in the future despite the fact that we are two absolutely different people in and out. totally different. she is what I am not and I am what she is not. my parents have more headache trying to take care of me more than other sisters although I am the eldest among four. probably because I want to do everything myself and I love to explore everything since I have no elder siblings that can be my lab rat (LOL). yes, if you are the eldest among your siblings, you are a lab rat. medium of experiments. but worry not because you will always get to do things that other siblings can't or not allowed to. even if we, the eldest, were not allowed to do something, we still do it anyway because we were born first and the first always get what they want (even without permission). LOLOL!  

I suppose, every family have their ups and downs. no family is free from dramas once a while. so does my family. no family is in call for perfection because only through flaws we learn to improvise and make changes into something better. hopefully. from all of this flaws, my sisters and I learnt to take note of how our future family should be. both of us want the exact same thing. every single decision that we make in our life is one step closer on how we mold our future. if we want a better future we need to choose wisely. even if we made the wrong choice, we need to learn from our mistake quickly. 

whatever plan that my sister and I have in our heads, shows that she is not adopted. *insert laughter*. at least I can confirm that we are from the same blood. I'm glad that I am not alone while walking on this world. whenever she told me that it is not easy for her to go through something, I told her that I am also at your place right now. day in day out longer than what you are going through. if I managed to survive and still managing to survive, my sister, you too will survive. we are of the same blood, we probably have the exact same endurance level more or less lah. all I can say is don't ever give up on your prayers and du'a. don't ever. if we feel like we cannot fight for something by our strength, remember that we can fight for anything in our du'a. if something is meant for us, it will be ours eventually. always work hard on making ourselves better than who we are few seconds ago. 

on behalf of all the eldest around the world, or at least Malaysia la kan, younger sisters and brothers, we will always have your back, side, front and top. your kakak and your abang will always be a text away or a call away or a room away from you. we will never leave you hanging. we will always be your lab rat so that you don't have to be anyone else's lab rat. we will risk ourselves for trial and error so that our little brothers and sisters can have the right cleanser for their face, the best university to register in, and we will turn all craps into rainbows for you. we will always address each other with absurd names but we only allow each other to do that. to my sisters aleeya, aisya, dinan, kakak sort of lah loves you. tapi korang jangan annoying sangat boleh? but still kakak loves you.

LITTLE LADY

PEACE BE UPON YOU

Walk away little lady,
The sun is leaving.

Walk away little lady,
Because even the rain wash you away.

Walk away little lady,
A voice is calling.

Walk away little lady,
Walk away.

Walk away because you had tried your best,
Walk away because your best will never be seen,
Walk away because you haven't reach the end.

Walk away from your pit stop.
Go for your end.
Your end is over the rainbow.
Where your effort will be sent.
Don't stop little lady.

But little lady,
Your legs seem so numb,
Because you haven't take your move.

HAVE YOU EVER

PEACE BE UPON YOU

have you ever been so mentally exhausted to a point where no matter how hard you want to cry, you just can't? You want to hug your mom but you worry that she will get upset because her daughther is sad, you want to hug your sister so bad and tell her you are not ok at all but you are the eldest among all and you can't appear weak. You want to tell your close friends about how you feel but you are afraid that they will get bored listening to your unending emotional distress. Hence, at the end of the day you learnt that only God will accept you unconditionally.  Once again you realised that you should have put your Creator at the top of the list but you don't. And you keep repeating the same mistake all over again.

Everyone has their ups and downs. Mine is today. You know when your emotion is all over the place. Sometimes you feel like no matter how hard you try to win something, you just won't get it. You wanted to give up but what if you are almost there? You wanted to keep trying but how much try would be enough? You want to let go everything to God but how about your effort? Everything is so wrong and confusing (age factor is one of the major contribution). What option do you and I have? God please.

CLICHE TO DEAREST

PEACE BE UPON YOU

Stand. Stand.
Stand upon the branch that slightly broken.
Stand upon the edge that slightly collapse.

The stream and the wave,
of beating blue water,
can only take you down,
when you let it bound.

To dearest that the eyes can't meet,
To dearest that the heart can't feel,
To dearest that the ears can't listen,

For whatever say you, 
I'll be patient.
For wherever you are,
I'll be waiting.
For whoever you meet along the way,
I'll be respectful.

To dearest that meets the ocean, 
To dearest that seeks for perfection,
To dearest that holds for the Creator. 

For you have always stay,
In this corner of happiness,
That shines through closest slits. 

CROSS OVER

PEACE BE UPON YOU

Whats up folks? Doing fine perhaps. Chillin' like its hot. No funny? Fine. People dont laugh that much anymore as they get older. Anyhow to all the birthday wishes and du'a, I would like to thank upon first and foremost. Alhamdulillah 22 years of living and still wondering what had I done all this while for me to deserve this much love and happiness. Dont give up on God's mercy. He keep on giving without you asking. Just imagine what will happen if we never stop asking. Magic! 

Regarding the entry, have you ever wonder or stop and think for a while of the people who cross over your life? Some you wanted them to stay, some you wanted them to go, some just disappear. Well, until recently I realised that they dont just cross our life accidently. Wohooaaa spooky mickey! 

My mind lately had been lingering around those who cross your life simply to remind you who really deserve to stay. You know how tempting life can be sometimes. I, like other 100 mill humans in this world, also, fall for temptation now and then. I mean who doesnt kan? I cant even take my mind of that freaking Garmin running watch which played no significant role in my life (yet). What more to people who hang around you and builds friendship.

No friendship is lost here. No, no. I am talking in a general basis. But just incase you lost a friend, hopefully my words can help. Mark my word here and read carefully. SOME PEOPLE CROSS YOUR LIFE JUST TO REMIND YOU OF WHO IS WORTH WAITING AND FIGHTING FOR. How's that brotha and siatah from anotha motha and fatha? Say whattt? Yes exactly that. Every single person came to you not just for the sake of coming. They came to tell you a message and they have the rights to go after that. You have no absolute right to tell people whether they should stay or not. Nope. Give them at least that much respect for teaching you a lesson. 

There are days where we were too blind to see what is really worth waiting and whom worth to be cherished and who is the exact person that deserve to be in our prayers. Hence, while we are busy forgetting, God (if you are an atheist, proly the universe), sent you tool and equipment to test and open your heart so that you can see clearly of what you should really see. Remember, we have no rights upon someone else's life. The best we can do is to show our appreciation through our actions. And remember, we can't mould someone into something that we want them to be according to our criteria. This is not a job interview. Be sincere in any relationship and everything will fall to places if we are sincere. 

Always put in mind that to lose someone or not to get something that you want is a blessing in disguise because in the future, all of that will be replaced with something/someone that you really need or derserve. No lie about this. Nothing to be sad about. But in the mean time, learn to improve ourselves to be the deserving. Dont just chill around and wait magic to happen. Too bad it doesn't work that way haney! *zigzag snap* 

So that is basically it everybadeh. Personally, now that I thought about it, I have to admit that some people did cross my life to remind me who I needed most. And may God bless whoever you are. You changed the way I see things. Thank you :) ending my entry with a quote by someone very wise at a very young age and whom I respect ;

" THE BEGINNING OF LOVE, IS TO LET THOSE THAT WE LOVE TO BE PERFECTLY THEMSELVES AND NOT TO TWIST THEM TO FIT OUR OWN IMAGE. OTHERWISE, WE LOVE ONLY THE REFLECTION OF OURSELVES THAT WE SEE IN THEM" 

Till then, xoxo, tick tack toe!

BIG LOOP

PEACE BE UPON YOU

We all know that through time, we will never be the same. who I am last year was not who I am this year. maybe I change the way I wear my hijab, or maybe I change my personality, maybe you change your hair style, whatever it is, we will never be the same person throughout our entire life.

the biggest change is when we decide to change what we think. what we see, sometimes can be very deceiving. what we hear, sometimes can be a slander. however, the cryptic approach that the ears and the eyes laid upon, can be revert to what is actually true and truth. lets say, if I wanted to pour my heart out on this blog, I would have thousand of complains that I would like to share, from how my hair look right after I woke up until how long my nail had grown before I take my goodnight sleep and everything in between. I think we all can agree that no matter how much we change, we can never get away from problems. 

to make myself feel better and hopefully all of us out there, I like to point an analogy to define problem in a non-problematic way. all of our crap and shinitz and bull-dozer waste are like green tea. admit it people, not all of you love green tea (some even consider putting sugar in it?! what? seriously?). 

I, personally, love green tea. not because it taste like chocolate, but I know, at the end of the day, it will benefit me in one way or another. green tea does not taste like plain water, plain water is enjoyment. when you are so damn thirsty, you search for cold plain water not green tea. green tea is something that is bitter at the beginning, and you need few weeks for your receptor to actually get use to the taste. day after day, your tongue will learn to eventually accept the taste, but the bitterness will still be there. well ladies and gentlemen, that is more or less of how I define problem. 

problem might come in handy for us. at the first stage of encountering problem(s) I am very sure that we all wanted to run away or bury our head in sand because we look at problem(s) as burden more than a blessing. lets not be a hypocrite here, even at this age, I sometimes count problem(s) as hard rock which fall down out of no where pleasantly to crash me like a pepsi can. then again, because of how sick I felt on the fact that problems won't make a better world if I keep on grieving about it, I start to trained my brain to see the positive outcomes from every problem. 

some might said, "easy said then done la" or "igt semua orang ke boleh jadi positif?" or "being positive is not something you can force on la qis". oh well, oh well my fellow earthlings, just in case if you didn't notice, I am a human exactly like you and I was once a negative believer and now I am able to see things differently because I choose to do so. I am not saying that we are not allowed to be negative at all. we need to have doubts but the way how we see things need to be improvise.I believe, in this world, if you want changes, you will do what it takes to change it. sometimes, desperation force us to change (hopefully into a better person). but the point is, if we want, it will happen. 

I started to expand my horizon out of what the community of the world had imposed in the media. the cruelty, the sadness, the destruction, the fallen and from all those events that turn the world upside down. if the world is bearing this much burden, how can I let myself do the same. if the whole world throw rubbish on the floor, and you suddenly decide to pick up the rubbish and throw it into the dustbin, don't you think there will be at least ONE person who will look at you he will do the exact same act like you did. kan ke tak kan? and this is called the act of chain. one act will be copied by another and soon enough, everyone will start doing it. 

hence, i like to quote the words from my Semantics lecturer's daughter, "if you don't try, you will never know" and there is this one Malay proverb that goes with it "tak kenal maka tak cinta". stop giving excuses and start training yourself to be positive in what you see, what you hear and especially in what you think. it will change your life a lot. if problem(s) arrive like a hard rock, tell yourself that the freaking hard rock is a freaking diamond. it needs to be polish and soon it will shine! 

till then, xoxo, tick tack toe!

ONE DAY

PEACE BE UPON YOU

the world is spinnig,
it spins and you move together,
and when it stops, 
you start looking.

oh dear,
one day, things that you want will run,
one day, things that you hold will break,
one day, things that you see will shatter. 

oh dear, 
one day, when what you want run,
you will realize what you need.
one day, when what you hold break,
you will appreciate the earth that stays.
one day, when what you see shatter,
you will miss it so tender.

oh dear,
when you realize what you need,
it is too late.
when you start to appreciate,
it turns meaningless 
when you are missing something so tender,
it is no longer by the foyer.

oh dear, 
how long will you wait,
to see what you need, 
to appreciate what you have,
to love everything that stay.