ACROSS THE VALLEY

.PEACE BE UPON YOU.

"somewhere between right and wrong, there is a garden. I will meet you there." -rumi

"To love a man is to support his passions; to be in love with a man is not only to back his passions, but also to admire them to the point that his hunger for them motivates you to be just as hungry for yours."   -unknown

Remember, love won't let you drain, it will always gives you the drive to be better each day. No matter what you love, whom you love, where you are at that time. Don't settle for anything less in whatever you do. I have seen it myself that only with love, I arrived at the finishing line when I run, with love, I am at the top of the mountain, and only by being in love you keep on standing 10 after falling 8. May we be showered with strength to always be in love with Him and His creations. 

ON RISKING LIFE

.PEACE BE UPON YOU.


"the beginning of love is to let those we love to be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." 

Writing on this blog has always given me that voice of reason. Mainly to remind me that the world and life as a whole are not butterflies and rainbows. As I grow older, life gets much more complicated yadda, yadda and all those adult thingy. But, it also teaches you to lead a simple life and just be happy with what your have right now so that the radar of your complexity notion in your life can be reduced. Agree? 

Stepping into 2015 and looking back on the first day I started writing here, is a huge mile stone. Started blogging simply because everyone else is doing it, and honestly, I have no freaking idea of who I am. Just like you, I went through a phase where I am still searching myself. My identity, what kind of person I am, what do i actually want in life. But blogging have always keep my sanity right in place. I know that this is a public site and people can just read it whenever they want to, hence, I tried my best to relate with others through my writing. Not much of a power writer (obviously lah!) but I want readers to know that we are all standing on the same ground and we experience almost the same thing in our process of searching ourselves. We might not be in the same boat but we definately can relate to each other. 

This year I have this sort of vision passing before my eyes telling me that 2015 is going to be a very challenging year. 2014 was a whole new world for me. I finally make more friends than what I have in my social circle. LOL! and I enjoy my life nevertheless. Marathon is my biggest life motivator and it reminds me that impossible is possible. You just need to push yourself. In order to test my strength before I'll be send out to the real world with the real deal, 2015 will be my biggest test. Hopefully I will graduate this year and go for my dreams. Always wanted to be part of journalism world because I want to contribute something through writing. Who knows. I believe, no matter what I choose to be in the future, I hope, I will contribute something to the society. At least part of my life is not wasted on doing something that have no benefit at all. 

I have risk my life since the day I was born (you know, my head was being vacuumed during my delivery sebab perut mumy macam lagi best je nk buat port lepak) and then, everything after that, was and is my choice. I was raised in a family where my parents will try their best to provide the best for their children, and me being me, I will go against their will because we have different ideas on what is best (10 years after, I realised that they were always right). But no matter, my life decisions took me to where I am today and I will never change it for anything else. Right now, I won't settle for anything less because I never taught myself to do so. I will keep pushing myself to that extra limit because now I know that anything is possible. Even so, in the name of God, I am very happy with what I have today. Although it is not as much as everyone else, I am still living a better life than some who have a hard time to even feed themselves a slice of bread. Nothing less from Him to me, but just enough for me to get through this 23 years of living. 

Thus, this post is just to remind myself and hopefully whoever that is reading it right now that life is a process of finding who you are and through that journey, countless blessing will be showered upon you even if you make mistakes along the way. Live your life a little. Take that risk in living your life not because of YOLO, but because through risk, you can see what others can't. Through risk, you will do things that others can't. And through that little leap of faith, even if you fall while taking the leap, you will always find way to stand back again and run. Only by taking risk, you will find your true potential. Don't be scared of your own fear that you create in your mind. 

Today, at this very moment, despite all the fun and craziness in my life, my prayers are still the same. It was a long journey I suppose but time flies like a bullet! How can 4 years past by just like that. Indeed, God's love comes in many way. Have you find your way? 

BOYS TALK

PEACE BE UPON YOU.

and let us just say, I don't really favour this topic because
 a) it will never end.
 b) I will disagree with everyone else's opinion/s.
 c) everyone will end up praying for my future (in a very sarcastic way).
and the list goes on...

but, as a lady, I won't be a hypocrite. with all my heart and soul, it would be pretty nice if I marry a MAN/GUY/DUDE in the future. I mean come onnnn, who the heck wants to end up alone on her 35th birthday with a grumpy face on while watching Game of Thrones (GOT) which her favourite characters keep on dying. God it is darn painful on both being single at 35 and dying characters in GOT. too much pressure to handle at that age.

I am that kind of lady who is quite choosy in picking guy friends. I have a few that Im really close with. like I'll smack your head when you are making stupid jokes kind of close. 2 from high school and 2 from university? I guess? LOL! oh and ya! not forgetting my brother cousin- a friend, a brother, movie buddy, the one who pay my meals when Im broke, and most importantly the only person who is uber super amazingly calm when my inner devil decide to switch place. he is almost everything. just name it. like who the hell can do that? 

anyhow, I have nothing against boys because 

a) I was raised in a family of 6 where my dad is the only man.
b) I spent almost 9 years of my life in girls' school.
c) too much girl power morphine injected inside me.
d) what boys can do I can too, but I can only get pregnant WITH the help of my husband.
e) girls are wayyy wayyy wayyy fun to hang out with (we understand complexity).
but don't get me wrong, at times, I need my guy friends to chill the complexity in me that grows every year. boys are cool and steady. kudos! things that we girls can never be. 

I am keeping my circle of guy friends small just because it is best that way. don't you think? you keep the real & good ones. but my friends are mostly, hmmm, just say that, I deserve such friends because karma serves me right. I sort of accept the friends I think I deserve? haha! nevertheless, my guy friends are among the best in the world. they handle my crap and shit like a pro. sometimes, they dont even give a damn. which can be understood. nice guys. nice. 

cutting the chase, girls all over the world, I know when you are at my age, you started to worry and feel insecure of yourself on whether the right guy will appear in your life, even when you secure yourself a man, you still ask question like is he the right one. or the most annoying question ever is why can't my boyfriend be like this guy in this drama/movie. for the love of God my fellow species, please, stop comparing, stop having wild imagination on having the exact dude in movies and dramas. it ain't gonna happen! just like how guys expect women to be perfect like angelina jolie who practically cooks delicious food and do everything all at once. it ain't gonna happen either. well, technically, we woman will eventually adopt such incredible doing-all-things-at-once skill but it needs time. and we can work on physical appearence? kan? (lols). at least angielina jolie or less punya level? 

point is (or are), boys will be boys and we girls will be girls. we are two different species that can never ever switch place and understand each other thoroughly. we tolerate, we compliment, we help each other but don't expect each other to be you. you can't be him, he can't be you. learn to embrace flaws that you have and you will eventually learn how to embrace someone else's flaws. eh girls, you expect to find a man that look good and have perfect muscles and everything perfect and I can promise you that you can never find one. human by nature have flaws, one way or another, they WILL be lack on something. and you want to go for rich guys? go ahead, you will be content eventually. I mean,who on earth would hate a shopping spree 5 times a week but happiness on dollars is risky. not a smart move. one day, if the money runs out, I hope your love remains still. hopefully lah kan. 

I often get asked on questions like, 
a) what kind of guy that can impress you?
b) siapa je yang hensem dekat mata kau kalau sorang pun tak de yg hensem?
c) what kind of guy who would be so stupid to risk his life and marry you instead?
d) what are you actually qistina?
e) what happen after (if) one day you get married? 

answers to those questions are :-
a) the kind of guy who sincerely utilize his brain functions
b) well, beauty is subjective. but charm and aura can beat the look of a person. and the only way to obtain charm is by utilizing the brain functions.
c) haha! I like this question. the guy who would be stupid enough to marry me is the guy who accept my flaws and the one who can handle my perfection? LOL! (but girls, it is unfair to ask people to just accept your annoying flaws. hence, warn them in advance. don't force people to accept your flaws if they can't. respect that)
d) I am who I am. every single day I try my best to be a better person. but nahhh, who am I trying to kid, I am plain yogurt sometimes. 
e) I dont know. babies maybe. Im hoping for twins and 6 years pause from having another baby or another twins. observing my husband from the kitchen on how he teaches our kids about which song is better to listen to. arguing with my husband on topics that can't even change the world. all those crap. 

so yeah girls, you will be perfectly fine. my vision might be slightly off on the idea of how much perfect is perfect. not that I have anything plan out but you girls out there can survive this world. if awful human being like me can sort of manage life, you sweet pretty girls out there deserve much better treatment. at the end of the day, always remember, embrace flaws and accept differences and and and don't expect your man to be your chaperon/everything else in movies. like my great dad and a friend once said, 'cubalah kalau nak something tu usaha sikit. pakai kuderat sendiri'. apa? nak running shoes? pernah try kerja kfc tak? trylah dapat gaji cukup bulan, go get yourself a pair of running shoes. bliss! 

YOUNG AND FOOLISH

.PEACE BE UPON YOU.

To be young and foolish. To just fall for everything and discover everything because that is what a young and foolish half adult do. I believe that most of us had been through that young and full of foolishness era and look back at those time while laughing at how on a freaking universe we managed to do such and such. well, nothing is impossible with an extra courage. courage comes once in a life time. you cannot have it back once the time flies. 

I am still at the age of glory I would say. I am not that old nor I am too young and bubbly either, but I am at the edge of youth-foolness and more foolishness yet to come and to be experienced on. there are part of my foolishness and mistakes that I just want to give myself a big ninja slap but if i haven't made one, would I be the same person I am today? I never regret anything that stays in past. everything that is past stands for its future and nothing haunts you more than the road not taken. BUT! remember that there are limits on how far being foolish can actually be stretched. 

being young and foolish require knowledge. knowledge that will keep you insane and alive. knowledge that will stop you from harming yourself to a point where it will destroy you and you will lose yourself along the way of your foolish act. so if you want to be young, fool, wild and free do it with mind in your head instead of your knees. it will be such a waste to be having fun at this age and die at this age too. a fun moment is when you can remember and cherish it and learn from it, but if you can't look back at what you had done because it was too devastating and worse because your life were taken before even your whole life flashes in front of you, then my boys and girls, that is not it. 

be young and foolish, but be wise. be yourself. surround yourself with people who can make you happy everyday. be young and foolish like not taking your shower even until 7pm. be young and foolish enough to just wear your pj out at a fancy place. be young and foolish to just uttered any words that come across your mind. be young and foolish to love yourself enough and give some love to people around you. be young and foolish to be completely yourself and admit that you are that useless university student who have very limited amount of money and you can't afford to eat at fancy restaurant just to take picture and post it at instagram (like me). be young and foolish.

LOVELY HEART-ACHE

PEACE BE UPON YOU

love-hate relationship you had with your sisters and siblings somehow brings you closer to each other. I remember growing up with three other sisters and we hated each other every single day. when we wanted to play 'masak-masak' or 'doktor-doktor', we will reconcile and focus on our character. once the play is over, we will always find our way back to be enemies and started a war. lets face it that is what most siblings in this world do right? right? at the end of the day, i love my sisters more than i love kari (curry). 

now, I have reach the age where every single thing is a freaking serious matter, I supposed that my sisters know of the fact that we are no longer little a girl. if we play 'masak-masak', real fire and real food are involved. we rarely talk about our feelings because we spent most of our time fighting over small issues and laugh upon it later. well, at least there is an improvement on how we handle our arguments. one day after another, we suddenly turn into adults and our talks have become more about how can we create a better future.

without us realizing it, my sister and I have the exact same mission and vision of how we want our life to be in the future despite the fact that we are two absolutely different people in and out. totally different. she is what I am not and I am what she is not. my parents have more headache trying to take care of me more than other sisters although I am the eldest among four. probably because I want to do everything myself and I love to explore everything since I have no elder siblings that can be my lab rat (LOL). yes, if you are the eldest among your siblings, you are a lab rat. medium of experiments. but worry not because you will always get to do things that other siblings can't or not allowed to. even if we, the eldest, were not allowed to do something, we still do it anyway because we were born first and the first always get what they want (even without permission). LOLOL!  

I suppose, every family have their ups and downs. no family is free from dramas once a while. so does my family. no family is in call for perfection because only through flaws we learn to improvise and make changes into something better. hopefully. from all of this flaws, my sisters and I learnt to take note of how our future family should be. both of us want the exact same thing. every single decision that we make in our life is one step closer on how we mold our future. if we want a better future we need to choose wisely. even if we made the wrong choice, we need to learn from our mistake quickly. 

whatever plan that my sister and I have in our heads, shows that she is not adopted. *insert laughter*. at least I can confirm that we are from the same blood. I'm glad that I am not alone while walking on this world. whenever she told me that it is not easy for her to go through something, I told her that I am also at your place right now. day in day out longer than what you are going through. if I managed to survive and still managing to survive, my sister, you too will survive. we are of the same blood, we probably have the exact same endurance level more or less lah. all I can say is don't ever give up on your prayers and du'a. don't ever. if we feel like we cannot fight for something by our strength, remember that we can fight for anything in our du'a. if something is meant for us, it will be ours eventually. always work hard on making ourselves better than who we are few seconds ago. 

on behalf of all the eldest around the world, or at least Malaysia la kan, younger sisters and brothers, we will always have your back, side, front and top. your kakak and your abang will always be a text away or a call away or a room away from you. we will never leave you hanging. we will always be your lab rat so that you don't have to be anyone else's lab rat. we will risk ourselves for trial and error so that our little brothers and sisters can have the right cleanser for their face, the best university to register in, and we will turn all craps into rainbows for you. we will always address each other with absurd names but we only allow each other to do that. to my sisters aleeya, aisya, dinan, kakak sort of lah loves you. tapi korang jangan annoying sangat boleh? but still kakak loves you.

LITTLE LADY

PEACE BE UPON YOU

Walk away little lady,
The sun is leaving.

Walk away little lady,
Because even the rain wash you away.

Walk away little lady,
A voice is calling.

Walk away little lady,
Walk away.

Walk away because you had tried your best,
Walk away because your best will never be seen,
Walk away because you haven't reach the end.

Walk away from your pit stop.
Go for your end.
Your end is over the rainbow.
Where your effort will be sent.
Don't stop little lady.

But little lady,
Your legs seem so numb,
Because you haven't take your move.

HAVE YOU EVER

PEACE BE UPON YOU

have you ever been so mentally exhausted to a point where no matter how hard you want to cry, you just can't? You want to hug your mom but you worry that she will get upset because her daughther is sad, you want to hug your sister so bad and tell her you are not ok at all but you are the eldest among all and you can't appear weak. You want to tell your close friends about how you feel but you are afraid that they will get bored listening to your unending emotional distress. Hence, at the end of the day you learnt that only God will accept you unconditionally.  Once again you realised that you should have put your Creator at the top of the list but you don't. And you keep repeating the same mistake all over again.

Everyone has their ups and downs. Mine is today. You know when your emotion is all over the place. Sometimes you feel like no matter how hard you try to win something, you just won't get it. You wanted to give up but what if you are almost there? You wanted to keep trying but how much try would be enough? You want to let go everything to God but how about your effort? Everything is so wrong and confusing (age factor is one of the major contribution). What option do you and I have? God please.